Soonyoung Song (39 yrs old / Ansung, Korea)
After we had lost our father early on, my mother raised us 4 siblings, working as a housemaid or hard laborer. My mother would always say, ‘It’s exhausting’, and ‘I am beat.’ Whenever I heard that, I looked up at the sky and made up my mind telling myself, ‘You really have to get it together.’ Back then my life goal was to make a lot of money and live well.
When I was 22 years old, I started dating a guy who had chased after me while I was walking on the street. He was the perfect man with a good family background and he had studied abroad. Every time I was with him, I couldn’t stand tall due to my inferiority. So I thought, first I’ll get a college diploma. I was working at the time so I attended a community college. We were together for almost 5 years and naturally started thinking about marriage.
One day he carefully suggested, “Why don’t you try transferring to a 4 year university? We can work on it together and you can make it.” He was trying to work this relationship out together but those words deeply hurt me. Attending night community college had been immensely difficult and I had barely graduated. He seemed so cruel. I thought we were not meant to be and I broke up with him that day.
After spending 6 months in despair and grief, my friend set me up with a guy. He was running a golf practice center after graduating from college. I was so exhausted from the breakup with my ex-boyfriend and I was impressed with this new guy’s good career and started dating him. The day I visited my boyfriend’s family they read me a list, ‘30 conditions of being a daughter-in-law’. ‘She shouldn’t wear glasses. She should have been raised by both parents, etc.’ There were all these strict conditions.
At that time I was already so hurt from my ex-boyfriend that the list didn’t phase me. I was so obsessed with making my dream come true that I forced myself to marry him. However, as it turned out, he was a ‘mama’s boy’ who excessively relied on his parents. He was an incompetent man. Eventually the marriage ended in divorce after 5 years. I collapsed again with despair and sorrow at failing in life.
Around that time one of my colleagues introduced me to the meditation. He was like a brightly smiling uncle from the countryside. He always made everyone comfortable. Could my mind be as peaceful as his?
After meditating, I came to realize that I had never believed in love. I was just looking for the right person who could fulfill my dream. But this narrow mind filled with inferiority was not able to love anyone. It was terrifying to realize the fact that I couldn’t escape from this vicious cycle unless I discarded these minds. Thanks to my colleague who introduced me to this meditation and who, in my stead, took care of my mother who lived alone, I was able to focus on the meditation. He said to me that what you really need the most at this moment is to discard all those painful moments and inferiority. Don’t worry about anything else and first take care of your mind. I was so grateful to him.
When he proposed to me, I started sobbing because I felt I didn’t deserve his love. My husband is a normal guy, but he is also my mentor and my best friend. Since I met him, I was able to be become free of my inferiority and learned how to truly love.
Source: maummonthly.com
