The winter when I became 17 years old, my mom passed away from a sudden accident. The last time I saw her, she opened the door of my room and said ‘good night, sweeties,’ to me and my sister. Her face and her voice from that night were so clear that I couldn’t admit that I would never see her again. Out of pain, I just yelled and cried, trying to believe ‘this must be just a dream.’ But my mom didn’t come back.
After her funeral, so many minds regarding my mom remained even though she vanished from the world. I was taken over by anxiety; loneliness by the thought that no one would take care of me anymore; sense of guilt that I hadn’t ever sincerely treated my mom well; inferiority that I no longer had a mom like everyone else; resentment about the circumstances and people that caused my mom’s death; and ambiguous longing for my mom. It was even too painful to look at myself in the mirror because my face reminded me of my mom’s face. On the outside, I had an ordinary life: going to college, having a job and living without worries. But many minds about the mom who left me and whom I couldn’t ever see again dragged me into a place of sadness I couldn’t escape.
One day, by chance, I met the subtraction method of this meditation. While subtracting the mind, I came to know that not only the mind about my mom, but also the entire life that I lived, including myself, were nothing more than the false mind world that I had made. At that time, I made a commitment to throw away the false mind completely. Just by following the method, it was easily thrown away. This made me realize once again that everything was false. Once all the illusions that I had made had been thrown away completely, I could, at last, meet the real world and the real mom that I could never have seen, since it was covered with the false.
The happiness I felt then was beyond words. I was unaware of the natural logic that anything in the world couldn’t exist without mom. I thought I had been so foolish and dumb to store all kinds of false mind, including the thought that I no longer had a mom and, without her, had wandered into darkness. The moment I met the real world and real mom, I instantly knew that all the stories in my mind that I had mistakenly believed to be real, were false. Literally, I had made a videotape since birth and thought that the film was real. That’s how I lived. But now I realize from my heart that Mom is not a being that stays one day and disappears the next. She is always here to take care of me.
Mom had never left me at any moment, from the beginning till now, and she will continue to be with me forever. Mom allowed me to be in the world, has always been waiting for me to come back to her, showing me all the ways for me to come back to her, and gives me the best every moment, even at this very moment. Mom also taught me I don’t need to be fearful at all because Mom is always there for me. Mom always gives without expectation. Mom gives the same love and life to all her children, equally.
Thank you for your being Mom. Thank you for letting me know you, Mom. Thank you for letting me call you Mom. Thank you for letting me know that every day is the greatest happiness with Mom. I will never leave you. I will be a real kid who makes Mom happy in the real world. Mom, I love you! Thank you!!
