September 27 last year, I was on the operating table.
It was a cerebrovascular surgery for a condition I had been suffering from for 4 years.
Doctors are hesitant to recommend such a huge, 7-hour long operation because of its aftereffects. My family shed tears as they signed the consent form, afraid that it could be the last time they see me. Strangely, though, my eyes did not tear up.
I simply confronted that moment with ease. When my eyes opened after the operation…,
I was just grateful that I was alive.
I felt like I was born again.
Myunghee Cho, 55. Seoul, South Korea
Falling Ill After 30 Years as a ‘Perfect Housewife’
After getting married, I only sacrificed for my family and raising my children my entire life. But the only thing I ended up with was my body in excruciating pain. My body kept deteriorating due to prolonged insomnia. Not being able to sleep filled me with sorrow and every pain in my body only added to my irritation. Every doctor I met didn’t know how to help me. Until I started Ma-Eum Soo-Ryun by an oriental medicine doctor’s recommendation. That was 2008.
The entire life I had dedicated wholly to my family spread out very candidly before my eyes. Nosily asking and meddling in what my husband and children were doing, cleaning with rags in my hands all day long, getting irritated with the increasing amount of housework…. Should I fall asleep without doing the laundry, the washing machine would sound in my dream. If I didn’t do the dishes before going to bed, I washed them in my dream. Everything had to be perfect, so I woke from my sleep if I remembered something I forgot to do. How other people did the chores was never good enough for me, so my family couldn’t dare to even attempt them. This is how I ended up abusing myself with the thought that ‘only I can do it’.
Finally, I saw myself during those 30 years that I thought my family was my everything. I lived as if my husband’s and children’s success was equivalent to my honor and reputation. When my children grew up and didn’t need my care anymore and my husband was always busy with work, I realized there was nothing left for me in the end. It was really difficult dealing with the emptiness and loneliness. As much as I thought I had lived for my family and loved them, I only had hatred and resentment inside.
Eventually, I realized I was ill because I had taken the wrong attitude. ‘I spent every moment trying to fit my family into my mold, but this must have been very uncomfortable and difficult for them….’ Little by little, meditation allowed me to let go of my family, which I had grasped tightly my whole life—even the thought that I have to do everything…. I especially cried a lot when I remembered all the harsh things I spewed at my husband because of my dreadful pain. No matter how long I wandered the neighborhood, my swollen, red eyes did not stop shedding tears. So I kneeled in front of my husband confessed that “It was all my fault, honey”, he denied and said it was his fault…. And that made me shed even more tears of gratitude.
Perhaps illness is a gift from heaven, to learn how to let go of living life in circles, to take a break. That’s when I finally took a week to leave the boundaries of home and spend it all for myself at the Ma-Eum Soo-Ryun Main Center in Nonsan. I couldn’t even imagine doing such a thing before then.
‘Without me, who will do the laundry, feed the dog, and clean up after the dog?’ My self who had put my life on the line for such trivial things seemed ridiculous.
The Joy of Letting Go of Everything, Like Autumn Leaves
The chores actually got done better while I wasn’t home. My husband now jokes that he’s a good homemaker as he helps with the laundry and dishes. When I let go of the thought that only I can do the chores, I found that my family had already been doing them and we all became more at ease with each other. The insomnia that I had been suffering from for 10 years disappeared and my body felt lighter. Once I let go of myself, the world was so different. Since it enabled me to live a new life, I was able to accept the ‘circumstance’ called illness with gratitude. Fortunately, the operation went well and my family were surprised at how composed and at peace I was.
It felt like I had found my way out of a long, dark tunnel. The loneliness I used to feel as I watched the sunset was no longer there. My mind had always been uncomfortable with the thought of the housework whether I was out meeting my friends or doing something else. But when I finally released those highly-strung ropes that kept pulling at my mind, the liberation I felt was indescribable with words. That my mind and heart are always with me no matter where I am, makes me so happy.
Now, I like what I don’t do a lot better. I used to dislike eating out, but when I thoroughly enjoyed eating the hospital food, my husband asked, “Is the hospital food that good?”. And I answered,
“Nowadays, other people’s cooking tastes better than mine.”
I go for another walk today. Each tree and each leaf, which I would have not noticed before, feel closer to my heart. Just as it is the law of nature for flowers to bloom and wither, death is not something to be afraid of but simply nature. I realize it is a process to adapt to and accept. In contrast to beautiful nature that lives adapting to the laws of nature, I find that I am incomparably small. Today, I pray again in my heart that I may continue to live letting go of everything, whether the wind blows or autumn leaves fall.
Source: maummonthly.com
